I am sitting at my desk on a dreary Tuesday morning and I come upon an email. Distraught with a weary heart I scanned over the words not really absorbing them until I read these words...
“So, sweet one, in pursuit of our gracious Father's heart, ‘Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up’ (Colossians 6:9). Live for Him, love Him, and be loved by Him.” ~Kaylene Yoder
You see my husband is not a believer. Besides the obvious, this also creates division in the leadership of our family because we both have a different lens through which we love others. One self-centered and one God-centered.
Every once in a while, like a thief in the night Satan tries to wrap his slimy fingers around my hope. His grip tightens with each critical comment from my husband, with each harsh word that knows just where to jab. As I shut down my emotions to protect myself the chaos takes over the joy in my home. How does hope turn to despair so quickly? They don’t call him a sneaky devil for nothing.
His grip tightens and squeezes the gentleness from my responses until I start looking much like the old self-centered version of myself. I cry out to God, “How long must I endure? How long must this go on? Could today be the day you redeem him? Could you please make him whole today? This is too hard. I can’t keep on loving and being kind all the time when I am faced with this! He can’t treat me this way! He can’t yell at the kids like that! He can’t be that selfish and get away with it!”
“So, sweet one, in pursuit of our gracious Father's heart, ‘Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up’ (Colossians 6:9). Live for Him, love Him, and be loved by Him.”
How He slays my selfish heart with his Word and the word of those that love Him. “In pursuit of our gracious Father’s heart”. That’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Pursuing God, accepting His grace and offering it to others so that they may see Him through you.
It is the sweet reminder of His amazing grace that spurs me to move towards anger with gentleness, snide remarks with soothing words. It is what helps my ears tune into the hurt behind the rage and pray that God will help me be a healing balm and not add to a festering wound.
But before I can be any of that, I must first be filled. So I come to the throne of my Creator and ask for Him to make my heart new today. I ask him to pour his refining fire on my mind so that all resentment and frustration gets lost in the embers of grace. I ask Him to pour out his love into my weary open hands so that I don’t look for it somewhere else. I ask Him to fill me with His spirit so that I may act out of self-control and with eternal ambitions.
And He does, because He is God. Unwavering and unfailing in His love.
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Be sure to read my follow up post to this one:
I'm just a girl, standing before my God, knowing that He loves me and wanting others to know that love too.